Text Jokes

Password
Southern Tourism Bureau Warnings
New State Mottos
15 PIECES OF ADVICE TO PASS ON ABOUT MEN.
TOP TEN THINGS THAT MEN UNDERSTAND ABOUT WOMEN
The Parrot
Packing Labels
Rules and Instructions on Being A Man
Medical Oddity

Password

A female computer consultant was helping a smug male set up his computer. She asked him what word he would like to use as a password to log in with. Wanting to embarrass the female, he told her to enter "penis". Without blinking or saying a word, she entered the password. She almost died laughing at the computer's response: PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH.

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Southern Tourism Bureau Warnings


Warnings issued by the Southern Tourism Bureau to all visiting Yankees:

1) Don't order steak at the Waffle House. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day, so let them cook something they know.

2) Don't laugh at southern people names. (Merleen, Bodie, Luther, Ray, Tammy Ann, Maribeth, Inez, etc.) These people have been known to whip a man's ass for less.

3) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda. This can lead to a whipping. Down south, its called Coke. It don't make a damn whether it is Pepsi, 7-Up or whatever else, it's a Coke.

4) Don't show allegiance to any college football team that isn't in the SEC. (Tennessee, Alabama, Mississippi, Georgia, etc). All the others are just a bunch of pansies that play teams like Wyoming.

5) Don't refer to Southerners as a bunch of hillbillies. We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g., Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated, and generally lots nicer. We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smith of FedEx, Turner Broadcasting, MCI Worldcom, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we do sometimes have a small lapse in judgment (e.g., Clinton, Fordice, Duke). We don't care if you think we're dumb because we'll whip your ass.

6) We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up, spend your money, and get the hell out of here.

7) Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know that you're from Ohio. Eat your biscuits like God intended and don't put sugar on your grits.

8) Don't fake a southern accent. This will incite a riot.

9) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we don't give a damn. If you don't like it here, take your ass home.

10) We don't play lacrosse, hockey, or any of those other sissy northern games, so don't come down here asking the score because we don't give a damn.

11) We know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we want to and because we can. We don't care if you don't understand what we're saying. All other southerners do understand what we're saying, and that's all that matters. Now, go home.

12) Last, but not least. DO NOT come down here trying to tell us how to Bar-B-Q. This will get your ass shot. You're lucky we let you come down here. Question our Bar-B-Q ...and go home in a pine box. 'Nuff said.

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New State Mottos

Alabama: At Least We're not Mississippi

Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't be Wrong!

Arizona: But It's a Dry Heat

Arkansas: Litterasy Ain't Everthing

California: As Seen on TV

Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother

Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and with Less Character

Delaware: We Really Do Like the Chemicals in our Water

Florida: Ask Us about Our Grandkids

Georgia: We Put the "Fun" in Fundamentalist Extremism

Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death to Mainland Scum, but Leave Your Money)

Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes ... Well Okay, We're Not, But the Potatoes Sure Are Real Good

Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"

Indiana: Two Billion Years Tidal Wave-Free

Iowa: We Do Amazing Things with Corn

Kansas: First of the Rectangle States

Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

Louisiana: We're Not All Cajun Wackos, but that's Our Tourism Campaign

Maine: We're Really Cold, but We Have Cheap Lobster

Maryland: A Thinking Man's Delaware

Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower than Sweden's (for Most Tax Brackets)

Michigan: First Line of Defense from the Canadians

Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes and 10,000,000 Mosquitoes

Mississippi: Come Feel Better about Your Own State

Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work

Montana: Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies and Very Little Else

Nebraska: Ask about Our State Motto Contest

Nevada: Hookers and Poker!

New Hampshire: Go Away and Leave Us Alone

New Jersey: Ya Wanna ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!

New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets

New York: You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney....

North Carolina: Tobacco Is a Vegetable

North Dakota: We Really Are One of the 50 States!

Ohio: We Wish We Were in Michigan

Oklahoma: Like the Play, Only No Singing

Oregon: Spotted Owl ... It's what's for Dinner

Pennsylvania: Cook with Coal

Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island

South Carolina: Remember the Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender

South Dakota: Closer than North Dakota

Tennessee: The Educashun State

Texas: Si, Hablo Ingles (Yes, I speak English)

Utah: Our Jesus Is Better than Your Jesus

Vermont: Yep

Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjawed Yokels Don't Mix?

Washington: Help! We're Overrun by Nerds and Slackers!

Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?

West Virginia: One Big Happy Family-Really!

Wisconsin: Eat Cheese or Die

Wyoming: Wynot?

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15 PIECES OF ADVICE TO PASS ON ABOUT MEN.

1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door.

3. If they put a man on the moon -they should be able to put them all up there.

4. Never let your man's mind wander -it's too little to be out alone.

5. Go for younger men. You might as well -they never mature anyway.

6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.

7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

8. Women don't make fools of men -most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

9. Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.

10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.

14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.

15. Sadly, all men are created equal.


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The Parrot

A guy named David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown, with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude. David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example.

Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shook the bird and the bird just got more angry and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer.

For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream. Then suddenly there was quiet. Not a sound for half a minute. David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I will endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness."

David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"

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Packing Labels

Here are actual label instructions on consumer goods.

1. On Sears hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping." (Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair)

2. On a bag of Fritos: "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside." (Evidently, the shoplifter special)

3. On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (And that would be how. . . ?)

4. On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestions: Defrost." (But it's *just* a suggestion)

5. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box): "Do not turn upside down." (Oops, too late!)

6. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (As night follows the day. . .)

7. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (But wouldn't this save even more time?)

8. On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

9. On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (One would hope)

10. On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (As opposed to what?)

11. On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (I gotta admit, I'm curious.)

12. On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: Contains nuts." (NEWS FLASH)

13. On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: Fly Delta.)

14. On a child's Superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company, I blame parents for this one.)

15. On a bottle of Palmolive Dishwashing liquid: "Do not use on food." (Hey, Mom, we're out of syrup! It's OK honey just grab the Palmolive!)

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Rules and Instructions on Being A Man


1. Don't call. EVER.
2. If you don't like a girl, don't tell her. It's more fun to let her figure it out by herself.
3. Lie.
4. Name your penis. Be sure it is something narcissistic and unoriginal, such as "spike"
5. If you lose something that belongs to someone else, tell them you mailed it to them or already gave it to them.
6. Play with yourself as often as possible. Tell everyone about it.
7. Be as ambiguous as possible. If you don't want to answer, a grunt will do.
8. Always remember: You are a man. Therefore, no matter what, it isn't your fault.
9. Lie.
10. Girls find it attractive if a man has had more women than baths.
11. Never ask for help. Even if you really, really need help --- don't ask. People will think you have no penis.
12. Women like it when you ignore them. It arouses them.
13. If, GOD FORBID, you have to talk to a girl on the phone, use only monosyllabic words and noises. Bodily noises are permissible.
14. THREE WORDS: Hack and spit. (Big loogies means a big penis)
15. Everyone finds a man more attractive if he can write his name in urine.
16. One sure way to make a girl like you is to go after her best friend. She will then see what she's missing and love you for not giving up on her.
17. Tell her you will call. Then, refer back to rule #1.
18. Don't wear matching clothes. People will think your girlfriend picked it out, and it will cramp your style on picking up chicks.
19. Lie.
20. Deny everything. Everything.
21. If you like a girl, tell all your female friends about her. Especially female friends you suspect may have a crush on you. (Probably all of them --- you're a man remember?) They really want to know.
22. Don't have a clue.
23. If you get a clue, pretend you didn't and disregard it.
24. No means yes.
25. Yes means no.
26. If you don't get sex whenever you want, your balls will shrivel. You may get sick or even die. This is one of the most important rules.
27. If anyone asks, you have had sex in all possible positions and locations.
28. Much like an orgasm signifies the end of a sexual peak; sex often signifies the end of a relationship.
29. Feelings? What feelings?
30. Life is one big competition. If someone is better than you at something, either pretend it's not true or kick their ass.
31. LIE I tell you!!
32. DO NOT make decisions about relationships. If you are backed into a corner and must make a decision, stall. If you still must come up with an answer, leave yourself a loophole for escape. Example: Question: "Honey, will you take me out for a romantic dinner?" Answer: "Yes, if you can guess how many sperm I produce each day."
33. Every sentence that anyone says can be twisted to have sexual meaning. Twist.
34. At any given opportunity, point out how things look like various genitalia. (If, by chance, you have Play-Doh, make sure you make a replica of your penis. Exaggerate the dimensions by 25%).
35. Lie.
36. "Love" is not in your vocabulary. Don't even think about saying it.
37. A general rule: If whatever you're doing does not satisfy you completely in 5 minutes, it's really not worth it.
38. Diss your girlfriend. Beg and plead until you get her back... Diss her again. Repeat cycle.
39. Lie.
40. Apologize whenever it's expected. NEVER mean it.
41. If you hurt someone, pretend you care. Don't.
42. Try to have a good memory, but it's OK if you forget trivial things. You know, like your girlfriend's b-day and eye color.
43. Ignorance solves problems. If you can't see them, they can't see you.
44. It is never your duty to take responsibility for your actions.
45. Create new words and phrases to describe genitalia, sex, semen, etc.
46. Lie.
47. Play with your food only if you are in a public place with people you don't know.
48. Play with your penis only if you are in a public place with people you don't know.
49. If people express extreme disgust at whatever you are doing, DON'T STOP! This is the desired reaction.
50. You are NOT a virgin. Ever. Males are born without virginity.
51. You are male, therefore you are superior.
52. Agenda for a typical evening: Get beer. Drink beer. Play with yourself. Have sex. Drink more beer. Pass out.
53. Females do not care what you do to them as long as they get to please you.
54. Don't ever notice anything.
55. If you're going out with someone but you love someone else, don't say anything. Wait until the girl you are going out with falls in love with YOU, and then tell her.
56. Basic fundamental rule of dating: Quantity, not quality.
57. Basic fundamental rule of sex: Quantity IS quality.
58. Lie.
59. If you cheat on a girl, but no one finds out, then technically you've done nothing wrong.
60. Crying is not manly. Then again, if you are a man, what do you have to cry about, anyway?
61. If the question begins with "why," the answer is "I don't know."
62. Women are your napkins. Use them, and throw them away.
63. Remember that every virgin girl is saving herself for YOU.
64. Don't ever let anyone say, "I told you so." If you hear this phrase and it didn't come out of your mouth, go ballistic.
65. If your woman makes you go shopping with her, drive around until a parking spot right near the door opens up. If this takes hours, so be it. You will have the coveted "door spot" and others will worship your skills.
66. Other peoples' pain is strictly for your amusement. Laugh long, laugh loud, laugh heartily.
68. If anyone asks you for a favor, a) make a big deal about how hard it is for you to do it, b) remind them of this huge favor you've done for them at least every 5 minutes for the rest of their life.
69. Beer. Then more beer.
70. If you do something really mean to a girl, and she doesn't want to talk to you, pretend nothing happened. If she still doesn't talk to you, casually ask, "is something wrong?"
71. Three words: Let's be friends. Translation: I never want to speak to you again, but it's bad for my nice-guy image if you are mad at me, so I'll pretend I want to be your friend.
72. Lie.
73. If you're on a date, and there is a lull in the conversation, tell the girl how many different dorms you've been laid in.
74. Here's a good trick. Tell a girl that you're going to leave for a few minutes and when you come back, you want her naked, sprawled on the bed. Leave and go into her dad's room and tell him he should go check on his daughter. Then drive like hell. (True story.)
75. If a girl breaks up with you because you're in love with someone else, she has no right to be upset. Because, you know, SHE's the one who wanted to end the relationship.
76. The best sex position is you, lying face up... and twenty girls on top.
77. Default facial expression: blank stare.
78. Spend your spare time thinking of excuses and shove them up your butt. Then, whenever you need a good excuse, you can pull it out of your ass.
79. If you are asked to do something you REALLY DON'T want to do, first try your manly best to get out of it. If that doesn't work, go ahead and do what you were asked to do, but complain that you don't know how to do it and continuously ask questions on how to do each little part. If no one rushes in to do it for you YET, finish the job in the most half-assed way you possibly can and then say, "SEE?! I TOLD you I couldn't do it." Eventually, people will stop asking you to do things.
80. Do not listen to "pussy music" such as Erasure, Depeche Mode, Color Me Badd, or Oldies.
81. Beer. Then more beer.

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Medical Oddity


A redneck named Bubba died in a fire and was burned pretty badly and the morgue needed someone to identify the body. So his two best friends Daryl and Gomer were sent for. Daryl went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Daryl said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over." So the mortician rolled him over and Daryl looked and said, "Nope, ain't Bubba." The Mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over." " So the mortician rolled him over and Gomer looked and said, "Nope, t'ain't Bubba." The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes." What? He had two assholes?" asked the mortician. "Yup, and everyone knew about it too. Every time we went to town, folks would say, "Here comes Bubba with them two assholes."